"Hmmm... what other very expensive things can I promise before March 23?” Marc Stapelberg

Cash splash blur: We're getting a $95m waterslide, right?

OPINION by Christian Morrow

THE Northern Star abacus has been copping a workout trying to keep up with costings of the election promises coming thick and fast in the final frenetic stages the state election.

Candidates are carpet bombing the electorate with giant 'if we are elected strings attached' cheques, leading many of us to wonder exactly how much cash is stashed under the state mattress and how long it has been there.

We worked out that over the a two day period last week Ben Franklin and the Nationals were making $2.08 million dollars worth of infrastructure promises per hour.

Then over the weekend news came through that Asren Pugh was giving everyone in the the Ballina postcode a new swimming pool, maybe I have missed something there, it's all becoming a blur, perhaps it was just one swimming pool worth $4 million, something like that.

I'm waiting with baited breath to see what pressies the Greens are going to promise.

It will probably be some disappointing 'well meaning auntie at Christmas time' type present like, "No we are not going to build a $95 million waterslide from Bangalow to Byron along the rail corridor, we think cleaning up the Richmond River and not chopping down the trees in the head water is a much more sensible present."

And we'll all be like, "noooooo Auntie Tamara and Auntie Susie....waterslide, waterslide, waterslide!"

The other week Ben Franklin and Liberal Minister for the Arts Don Harwin came to Bruns to tell us they were forcing the whole Seachange crew, including Sigrid frickin' Thornton to make the whole thing again 'cept this time in Brunswick Heads. A great little job and investment booster for sure.

(Keep your eyes peeled for Ben Franklin's 'blink and you'll miss it' cameo as wildly enthusiastic local school principal chaining himself to a demountable classroom to avoid his school being downsized.)

Being the National Party we were all surprised they weren't trying to re-boot A Country Practice in Goonellabah to save Thomas George.

But I can reveal exclusively here the new jobs boosting screen projects Labor and the Greens will be commissioning in order to win the State seat of Ballina.

Labor are going to sell off all the stadiums and sink it all into coercing local lads Chris Hemsworth and Matt Damon into making a Jason Bourne vs Thor type sci-fi-action-end of days-spy-drama-rom-com with the working title Jesus Christ...It's Jason THORne.

Spoiler alert: The final apocalyptic battle happens on top of the Big Prawn. (I know, the script writes itself.)

But once again the Greens have blown their chances and gone all 'Deaconess teaching scripture class' on us, promising to make us all buy a picture book about koalas and other loser endangered species printed on hemp paper so they could save some koala habitat or some such, I'm not sure, I stopped listening.

Why aren't they Green-lighting my script for Koala-zilla, set in Bangalow with a real giant mutated koala, tagline Koalazilla...the real apoca-eucalyptus. (Another no-brainer).

Still at least none of them have got it as wrong as the Federal Coalition bribing the Hunter Valley voters with not one but two Chinese financed coal fired power stations.

What useless technology bribe are they going to come up with next? A Y2K Research Centre for Kooyong? Butter churn subsidies for dairy farmers? A leg-rope factory in Byron?