Daughter’s letter to rapist dad: ’I can never forgive you’
He was supposed to keep her safe, but instead an Ipswich father horrifically raped his young daughter from the age of four until 13.
The 55-year-old was sentenced to 17 years' jail in the Brisbane District Court on Monday for the heinous abuse after his daughter's victim impact statement was read in full in court.
These are her words.
"From the age of two years old when my parents broke up my father had sole custody of me and has been my primary guardian.
It was from this time that my father began sexually molesting me.
The sexual abuse would continue until I was 13 years old. My father was supposed to protect me but instead he took advantage of my innocence and trust. I can never forgive you.
My kids ask about my childhood and I freeze up and don't know how to respond. I want to be able to share happier memories with them but instead my mind is filled with disgusting memories burnt into my mind and I find it difficult to remember other childhood memories to reflect on.
You took away my chance to enjoy a normal childhood, I can never ever get that back.
My father inflicted huge amounts of pain on my tiny body as he raped me, ignoring my pleading with him to stop. Resisting and forcing himself inside of me and the tears rolling down my face.
He didn't care that it hurt, that I was bleeding and in so much pain. I would bear the pain without anyone I could tell or anyone to comfort me. I always feel alone, I never wanted this.
For as long as I remember I've had problems sleeping. I have horrible nightmares and wake up crying. No medication seems to help.
When I wake up from these nightmares is when I'm the most alone. I just want to be happy. I struggle with constant depression, anxiety and post traumatic stress disorder.
I have tried everything I know to make this better. I have been to counselling and tried so many different medications to help ease the burden I carry with me every day. The medications make me feel like a robot, I have no emotion whatsoever. As much as I want to be numb, I want to be able to feel happy too.
I find it hard to relax, I need to be on the move 24/7. I'm scared that if I stop, my childhood memories flow back, flashes of the assault, I can't think straight.
This doesn't always work.
I can be enjoying a nice day out with my family, barbecue with mates, and for no reason memories plague my thoughts and take away that moment for me to enjoy like everyone else.
This has affected my relationships trying to talk about it openly because I feel disgusted in myself. I don't want to have this body or these memories, I am broken.
I feel sick every day. I think about ending it all. I've thought about suicide a lot throughout my life, most recently about two weeks ago I nearly attempted to take my life.
I felt like I could not take another day feeling like this. I couldn't cope with the memories of the abuse any longer. It was only the thought of my mother and partner and how that would affect them that I did not go through with it.
I wanted to kill myself because I didn't want to feel broken, useless and disgusting. My entire family on my father's side who I grew up with has completely cut me off. They have tried countless times to get me to drop this case. When I refused, they abandoned me, told me I am being selfish, ruining their reputation and no longer speak to me.
It makes me feel even more alone. The people who have known me my entire life and were supposed to love me, have thrown me away like I no longer matter to them.
The truth is the reason I can't drop this, because I am worried about the young girls. Like my five-year-old sister and two-year-old niece and other young girls that surround this family.
Although I have been cut off from their lives, I love and care about them so much.
I don't want this to happen to them, I want them to have a childhood they can enjoy not live in fear like I did.
I want to be able to feel happiness, something I feel I will never truly feel because of my father."
*For 24-hour sexual violence support call the national hotline 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732 or MensLine on 1800 600 636.