Try this Byron bumper holiday quiz... if you dare
THIS year's Bumper Holiday Quiz will not only instantly de-factionalise your political party it can also be used as an aptitude test for those interviewing prospective employees for their Instagram based branding/marketing/events business that no-one really understands or a personality test for men seeking a spouse using one of the many handy online "Find your perfect (insert name of country with poor human rights record here) bride" websites.
With the nation and the world on high alert across all measurable indexes there are rules and consequences for this year's quiz.
Those who fail to successfully complete this quiz will automatically be opted IN to the Federal Government's new Huawei Mental Health and Defence Records Database.
One member of the family is required under our new encryption laws to acts as adjudicator noting down each family members response time and pupil dilation during testing.
Answers should be stored on your phone so Peter Dutton can hack in later and retrieve the data for processing.
There are also simple instruction for how to attach the electrodes available on our website.
Merry Christmas - you may now proceed to the first question.
1. Which one of these statements is NOT true (Warning: selecting one of these options may automatically enter your name on a Border Force watch list.)
a. We are young and free.
b. We are girt by sea.
c. For those who've come across the sea we've boundless plains to share.
d. In joyful strains then let us sing.
Answer: d. Whenever a group of Australians get together to sing our national song it never ever sounds joyful .
2. Follow up question- Which rarely heard versions of these iconic Aussie songs would make a better national song than Advance Australia Fair.
a. Beds are Burning by The One Nation Simply Red Tribute Band.
b. Highway to Hell by The Shooters and Fishers Lever Action Chainsaw Ensemble.
c. Working Class Man by The Malcolm Turnbull Baroque String Quartet.
d. Am I ever gonna see your face again by the Barnaby Joyce Experience featuring the Tony Abbott coal fired banjo pluckers.
e. Not fussy as long as I don't have to murmur my way through Advance Australia Fair ever again.
Answer: Your response has been noted.
3. Name a key piece of vital Byron Shire infrastructure you definitely want delivered immediately but definitely Not Anywhere Near Your Backyard.
Note: Extra points if you have written angry letter(s) to council and local media threatening legal action if said infrastructure is not forthcoming.
a. Mobile phone tower near school so the kids can get better reception during class time.
b. Just somewhere decent and reasonably priced for me and the kids to live that isn't going to wind up on Airbnb for God sake pleeease we can't sleep in the car forever.
c. Casino, rail trail, water slide, nude beach or other sporting facility.
Answer: If you answered b. please attend the nearest Centrelink at 9am tomorrow morning for drug and means testing.
4. Rank these key pothole infrastructure initiatives in order of awesomeness. Note: This question is legally binding and will be forwarded to Council for adoption as a KPI for 2019 so choose wisely.
a. Stock potholes with freshwater fish.
b. Lease potholes to the state government for use as football stadiums.
c. Stop spending any money on anything except fixing potholes- we promise to pick up our own garbage, treat our own sewage, weed all the gardens and do the recycling properly this time.
Answer: c- because un-potholiness is next to godliness.
5. How do you recognise a fellow ratepayer is in the grips of a socially harmful cult.
a. Thinks the NBN will deliver faster internet speeds.
b. Convinced chemtrails are causing potholes.
c. Planning not to vote in upcoming state and federal elections to "teach those bastards a lesson."
Answer: It's a secret known only to the chosen.
6. What else should the new Byron Bypass be used to bypass - for the good of ratepayers and humanity.
a. Assassination of Franz Ferdinand.
b. The Trump Presidency.
c. Break up of the Beatles
d. Social media.
e. The last 2 weeks worth of "OMFG the sculpture on Ewingsdale Road totally looks like a giant dick" online drivel that demonstrated we all still think like we're in Year 8.
Answer: Trick question- the bypass won't fix anything.
7. Match the Christmas breakfast menu and perfect gift suggestion with these towns within our shire from the lists below.
1. Byron Bay
3. Brunswick Heads
4. Ocean Shores
6. Broken Suffolk
a. A quick drive to the Chinderah Service Centre for a 24 piece bucket, a dozen Crispy Cremes and six cans of Red Bull. Gift: Pair of servo sunnies and matching double pluggers.
b. Roast leg of lamb with a roast leg of potatoes, roast leg of peas and a roast leg of gravy washed down with a slab of XXXX Gold. Gift: Second hand Webber BBQ with two legs, upright piano with only the black keys operational and a National Geographic from 1967.
c. Wake up on the beach and finish off a nearby kebab you are pretty sure is yours washed down with whatever is left in the can of premix clutched by the person you apparently slept with last night then go for a surf. Gift: Lip filler injections, 10,000 Instagram followers and a gram of coke.
d. Egg white omelette of chicken white meat and shaved white truffle served on a white linen table cloth (hand embroidered in Cambodia) whilst sipping a glass of white wine. Gift: Set of beige linen tea towels and white porcelain pump action bottle of hypo-allergenic, anti-aging serum.
e. A traditional Sesamungchew Avajackin- A sesame seed inside a mung bean inside a cashew inside an avocado inside a jack fruit inside a pumpkin served raw with a cold pressed non-alcohol kale daiquiri. Gift: Voucher for dog reiki, caffeine enema and packet of Drum ready rub tobacco and roly papers.
f. Roast Ibis with seagull beak and claw sauce washed down with an esky of full of Undertow Margaritas (Recipe: equal parts sea water, SPF 50 sunscreen, vodka and shark blood garnished with a party pie) Gift: Ibis themed dream catcher, 1000 dog poo bags and over size novelty testicles for the back of your ute or pushbike.
The perfect matches are: 1c, 2d, 3b, 4a, 5e, 6f.
So how did you go? Well, only Mr Dutton really knows. If you passed you will continue living your life as per usual, for now.
Alternately if there's a white van parked out front of your house on Christmas morning just get in- its easier for everyone that way.