Gay plot: How we want to ruin marriage for everyone
THE move by a group of Coalition MPs to bring on a vote on same-sex marriage was very rightly described by Channel Seven News as a "plot".
For you see, it is just as dastardly and insidious as it sounds.
Come with me, dear hetero readers, as I lift the heavy sequin curtain and expose the truth about the gay agenda when it comes to marriage.
I was at our weekly meeting last night when I decided to turn double-agent.
They're clandestine gatherings that all LGBT members are required to attend, held discreetly at F45 gyms and suburban florists across the country, where we gather to choreograph our next moves - of both the dance and political variety.
My meeting is men only. Lesbians have theirs later in the week. Monday night is footy training.
And now I, in my capacity as a semi-professional homosexual, can share with you for the first time just exactly what we're going to do.
For starters, we're going to steal the marriage ideals you hold dear.
Think you straights are pretty adept at co-ordinated and viral video-friendly "first dance" routines? You haven't seen anything yet.
Sure, you've had your fun with the Dirty Dancing-inspired lifts and clunky swing routines, but brace yourselves for a RuPaul-style lip synch battle.
And when we come for your bonbonnières, remember that you only have yourselves to blame. Sugar-coated almonds in a pointless plastic box?
Honey, please. Everyone gets a French Bulldog.
And when it comes to decor, we're going to spawn a new multi-billion dollar industry. Think hundreds of doves painstakingly taught to fly in a certain pattern.
Think an elaborate hour-long pyrotechnics display that'll make Sydney Harbour at New Year look like a few kids twirling sparklers.
Or, fireworks strapped to doves. PETA will lost their shit when they see what we've got.
Secondly, we're going to spread our vile message far and wide.
Our speeches will prompt tearful hysterics en masse not seen since North Korea's population was forced to mourn the death of Kim Jong-il.
Oh, the display of love we'll put on. We've been waiting for this day for a long, long time and we are going to make y'all weep.
Take out special health insurance for orthopedics because you'll have a repetitive stress injury in your wrist from all the chest clutching when Delta Goodrem descends from a fog covered white staircase to perform Lost Without You.
And then, when you think we haven't been devious enough, we're going to revel.
Oh how we'll revel in the joyful smugness that comes with being a newlywed, flooding Facebook with the official wedding photographs for months.
Those portraits with their Annie Leibovitz vibe will be our Facebook profile images for ages.
And when we're finished, you will absolutely despise us for the shameless honeymoon snaps we share.
Yes, you do Hawaii and the Greek Islands well but we'll do Portofino and the Maldives so, so much better.
Our plot to steal, spread and revel is inevitable so prepare yourselves for destination weddings and please, for love of all that's fabulous, teach yourselves what a formal dress code actually means.
Shannon Molloy is a writer for News Corp Australia.