'How stupid could we be?': Biggest baby 'bombshell' yet
IT WAS an interview filled with bombshells and landmines, but one revelation about Barnaby Joyce and Vikki Campion's newborn baby has blindsided the public and added a new dimension to Australia's most complex political scandal.
The admission slapped us in the face and left our mouths agape. Agape with astonishment. But also agape because we were mindlessly fisting Mars Pods into our food-holes throughout the hour-long exposé.
This particular revelation was stunning but it also makes complete sense. How could we have been so stupid to not even predict it?
Without burying the news any further, the revelation, which Vikki sensationally divulged, is this: Baby Sebastian is red, like Barnaby.
It was just one in a long string of stunning confessions and clarifications aired during Sunday Night's exclusive sit down in Barnaby and Vikki's dimly lit Armidale bunker. It's not clear why the ceiling lights weren't used. A handful of lamps around the dining and living areas gave off a harsh glow and cast dark shadows across their faces, which only enhanced the drama.
The lengthy television event gave Australians their first look at what Barnaby and Vikki are like as a couple. Their relationship is confusing - like the Edelstens or Lisa Curry's marriage to that Elvis impersonator.
Sitting side-by-side on timber bistro chairs surrounded by the cold, exposed brick walls of their living room, the couple weren't in the most comfortable of spaces. As Vikki broke down and tears rolled down her cheeks, Barnaby hugged her like that uncle you avoid at barbecues.
The illicit affair between the former deputy Prime Minister and his staffer has captivated Australia. Their controversial and lucrative interview was must-see viewing. Even Amber Heard was curled up on a chaise lounge in her Hollywood Hills home as she streamed the interview online. Barnaby's arch nemeses Pistol and Boo sat by her side - still, vengeful, satisfied.
Talking about the special, private moments he shares with his new, only son, Barnaby revealed the one thought he has when he looks into his baby's blue eyes.
"Boy, you caused some trouble," Barnaby laughed, apparently forgetting how, exactly, this tricky situation came to be. It's a classic example of a philosophical dilemma: What came first? The rogue chicken with a wandering eye, or the egg? Regardless, with confirmation Sebastian has inherited Barnaby's luminous red glow, it seems payback - fair or not - has already been served.
The couple made it clear they were doing this interview for their son, confirming only he will benefit from the money paid. And so he should. As if enduring the public scrutiny of this circus isn't bad enough, footage was televised of him being bathed and having his nappy changed before being forced into this onesie. The kid deserves every cent.
Unauthorised personal exposure aside, Sebastian also has to live with the publicly documented details of his parents' romance. In traumatising scenes, reporter Alex Cullen decided to ask about Barnaby and Vikki's sex life.
"So, when did you make a move?" Alex asked as if he was one of those ladies on Sex & The City. We almost threw up our Mars Pods.
Turns out Barnaby is a total Charlotte. He got super uptight about the sex question and refused to answer it. When Alex brought it up again, Barnaby almost stormed out like Charlotte did when Samantha told the gals about the guy with the funky spunk.
It was one of several topics Barnaby refused to talk about. And we're torn. On one hand, we don't want to hear the details of Barnaby's sex life right before we're about to go to bed. But on the other, when you're getting paid $150,000 to reveal all, you don't get to pick and choose the questions you'd like to answer.
Another of these no-go areas was the rumoured confrontation between Vikki and Barnaby's ex-wife Natalie. Legend has it, before news of the pregnancy broke last year, Natalie whirled up to Vikki in the street and tore strips off her about the affair.
In my mind it happened out the front of a haberdashery on the quaint, dusty main street of Armidale with Natalie wearing a chic 1940s outfit - a stark contrast to an emotionless Vikki in all black. The bells of the clock on top of the stone town hall would've chimed loud and long at high noon as a stoic Natalie walked away, leaving Vikki alone in the middle of the street while a horse and carriage rolled by.
We were hoping these details would be confirmed in the interview, but a cocky Barnaby tried to dodge the question.
"When you've been in politics for as long as I have, you know how to stop a question," he replied condescendingly.
"Vikki, you look like you've got something to say," Alex asked, bypassing Barnaby.
To be honest, Vikki looked like she had plenty to say throughout the entire hour and it would've been nice to hear her let loose. She would only reveal one detail about the confrontation: "I can't repeat the words on TV."
She didn't confirm specific details about outfits or the confrontation's proximity to a haberdashery.
Emotions ran high on Sunday night. Vikki's exhausted and traumatised from the public lows and private highs that have come with the situation. Barnaby is a defensive dad, on the attack against anyone who has something to say about his baby boy and partner. As the tension built, it was only a matter of time before the pair would turn on each other.
In an attempt to smooth over the comments he made during Vikki's pregnancy about the baby's paternity being a "grey area", Barnaby refused to admit he threw his vulnerable, pregnant partner under the bus.
"Yeah, well, it was actually a decision we made together," he said.
It became immediately clear the decision wasn't quite mutual and Vikki is still actually annoyed about the whole thing, thanks very much.
"Ummm noooooo," she basically said before shooting him that look you give your boyfriend when he's being a complete wang in public around your friends. That look that says, "We'll talk about this in the car".
Still, despite the mess he made, Barnaby is adamant everything is totally fine.
"It was worth it for this," he nodded, referencing either Sebastian or the $150,000 he just made. It's not entirely clear.