‘Full of sh*t’: MAFS groom outed
A SLEAZY groom on Married At First Sight who thought he had everyone fooled has been busted as the rat he truly is during Sunday night's episode.
"Douche bag!" the bride's sister slurs after being forced to have one conversation with him.
"Thief!" I howl as I make a discovery about his snakelike ways online.
"Fraud!" my Deliveroo cyclist wails as he hands me my burger and glimpses only 15 seconds of the episode through the cracked door.
Sunday night's episode also sees the return of 2016 contestant John. If you recall, last year he was matched with Deb who was simply appalled and offended that he wasn't Polynesian as per her written request. Well, spoiler alert: John's still not Polynesian. It's like he's not even trying.
Anyway, he's matched with a blonde lady named Melissa who wears sweater capes while hanging out on jetties.
We know things between them are going to be fine when she admits she, too, is a smoker. They're so perfect they just bypass the wedding and head to Tahiti for their honeymoon where they bond over Winnie Blues and not being Polynesian.
Now, let's get to know our fraud for this series.
He goes by the name Troy, he has shaving rash and he still chooses his haircut based on the conservative dress code stipulated by his Sydney private school. He's paired with Ashley.
As we're introduced to Troy, we cut to footage of him and his friends walking down the street and it's like Vinnie Chase and the boys on Entourage except all of them are Turtle.
Before we go further, I have to note my disappointment with both Troy and the producers of this show. They've worked together to ensure he comes across as the most irritating man on television. Footage of him eating tuna before his wedding before maniacally brushing his teeth in an extremely unattractive way is just beyond lame and confected.
It seems Nine is just trolling us now. We love nothing more than sharpening our hashtags and chasing these clowns through Twitter feeds around the nation, but it's only fun if they're completely oblivious and don't see us coming.
But, even without the moments of enhancement where he's taking instructions from producers, I do believe Troy in his natural state is annoying and highly resembles Jonah from Veep.
Here's a cute pic of me whenever he comes on screen:
At the wedding ceremony, after listening to Ashley's sweet and personalised vows, Troy confidently starts rattling off his.
"I promise not only to listen. But to hear. Not only to be honest, but to trust. And not only to love, but to be loved," he says smoothly.
Ashley wells up.
"I am excited to build our lives together with a love that will grow with each passing day," Troy smiles, looking deep into his new wife's eyes.
He glances over at his in-laws and Ashley's mum becomes so overwhelmed by what she's hearing she has to look away.
"It is said that love makes the impossible possible. I am already thinking about forever. A forever with you that is about mutual respect, support and love."
Ashley can't believe she's been matched with a man so perfect. One who can so eloquently articulate his feelings.
"Yours was so much better than mine," she gushes about his vows. "You showed me up already."
But it was a little too perfect. Like the English teacher at Troy's private school, I smell a rat and start whacking phrases into Google.
I don't want to scoop Kate McClymont but, after a minute-long investigation, I can reveal that Troy has stolen his wedding vows straight off a Tumblr. And not the fun kind.
This one's titled 100 Wedding Vows For Him and it's basically for husbands-to-be who just couldn't be bothered. Like with his school assignments, Troy's tried to occasionally change one or two words and mishmash separate quotes together to try and throw us off. But we sniffed 'em out like the day-old tuna producers made him eat before his ceremony.
Anyway, unlike me and Troy's high school teachers, Ashley doesn't care about plagiarism or the fact Troy is probably a totally made-up character. She thinks he's amazing. But her sisters know where it's at - particularly the one with the unexplained British accent.
"I think he's full of shit," she snips.
But Ashley ignores our pleads and goes back to the hotel with him.
Lying in bed, Troy says he's thinking about "hanky panky" and we close our eyes, press our legs shut and dream about being in Tahiti with John and Melissa smoking Winnie Blues while still not being Polynesian.
For more observations on sweater capes and my Deliveroo cyclist, follow me on Twitter: @hellojamesweir