Mean bride destroys groom with insults
AS ONE Married At First Sight bride is dumped just hours after her wedding, another one becomes so "horny" she flies into a judgmental rage and publicly sledges her new husband along with lesbian McDonald's drive-thru attendants.
It's a bold move. Everyone knows you don't want to get lesbian McDonald's drive-thru attendants off side.
"This is my life we're gambling with!" the bride screams at producers before declaring a national war on eyebrow rings.
Monday night begins and ends with chaos. Twelve hours after their wedding, Samuel ditches Lizzie and then a chunk of her hair extensions goes missing. It's one fire after another and she's literally being abandoned by everyone and everything.
Where do we even begin to unpack this? Obviously we'll start with the unusual hair extension predicament. We don't know what's going on in the above picture. Yellow hair has parted to reveal some kind of silicone cap underneath. But then a chunk of hair is spilling out from beneath the silicone cap. Is it even a silicone cap? Maybe it's some kind of stocking netting. But that still doesn't help determine its purpose. A full-blown investigation needs to be launched. If Tracy Grimshaw doesn't demand a sit-down interview with Lizzie's silicone cap, she's losing her touch.
In an interview today, Lizzie came out and said the reason she has hair extensions in the first place is because she has an auto-immune condition that makes her allergic to the sun.
"I'm basically allergic," she told literary journal OK! magazine.
"I get burns on my body. I also have a really photosensitive scalp and ears, so I get a rash, which is why I wear hair extensions as a hat."
Why she doesn't just, you know, wear an actual hat, isn't explained. She also doesn't explain why her five-hour wedding took place on a farm under the harsh midday sun. It could've been indoors or under a chic marquee. If she's basically allergic to the sun she should be carrying a parasol everywhere she goes. I feel like everyone in life is looking for a legitimate excuse to carry a statement parasol and she actually has one. But still, she declines the parasol in favour of a silicone cap and hair extensions which her scalp is rejecting.
Clearly Lizzie has a lot on her hands at the moment. And it's made even more stressful when her new husband Samuel fakes a death and flees.
On the morning after their wedding, we find Samuel pacing in the hallway. He made it clear last night he wasn't keen on Lizzie and his apprehension has grown. He's agitated and uncomfortable. Something is not right.
"I woke up early. Checked my messages. My ex partner's mum has passed away. The funeral will be on as the honeymoon's taking place," he says.
Do we believe Sam? Or are we the jerks for questioning it? As someone who is not above faking a death in order to get out of doing something I don't want to do, I have a very "pics or it didn't happen" approach to funerals.
"So that means you're leaving today," Lizzie asks. She's disappointed but understanding.
"Yeah, it's not in Australia," he adds. "It's overseas. New Zealand."
We pipe up with a solution. Lots of the honeymoons on this show take place in New Zealand, why don't we just swap Lizzie and Samuel's honeymoon with Matthew and Lauren's? That way, Sam can go to the funeral and meet up with Lizzie straight after. Problem solved. Ya welcome, Samuel.
Sam doesn't appreciate our helpfulness and rejects the offer.
Showing true commitment to his claims, he then pretends to log onto Webjet to purchase fake flights before skipping out the door and whizzing off in a 13Cab.
By this point, Lizzie's freaking out. Her husband's skipped town, she's only got seven strands of genuine hair left and she can't get a clear answer from producers.
Everything's falling apart.
And now, we meet Ines.
"I'm really passionate about human rights," the 27-year-old legal assistant tells us.
And by that, she means she's a human and she's always right.
"Ines can come across as abrasive," John Aiken warns, and I think he's just being harsh. Ines is extremely likeable and everything that comes out of her mouth makes perfect sense.
"My standards are quite high when it comes to men," she says and, really, who doesn't have high standards?
"I've always been disappointed with guys I dated previously," she adds. Same, Ines. Guys are the worst.
"Tinder is like going through your rubbish bin," she declares and I don't know why Tinder doesn't use this as their corporate slogan.
She has strict criteria for her new husband.
"I hope he looks at me and thinks, 'Wow, I would totally root her'," she says.
It's just seconds before Ines walks down the aisle. She's subdued and calm. Producers check in with her to make sure everything's OK.
"How are you feeling," they ask.
"Um, I feel, like, horny," she replies.
And with that, she enters the ceremony.
Because she's Ines, it only takes five seconds for her to find a problem. She's still far away from her new husband, but she can see something. It's tiny in size, but it represents a problem far bigger.
Her new husband smiles and waves.
"Hi, I'm Bronson," he gushes.
Ines cuts to the chase.
"Hi Bronson, can we get rid of your eyebrow ring please," she spits. It's obviously a demand rather than a request.
It's just the first of many insults Ines serves up.
"When he smiles, I first wanted to punch him in the jaw. I don't know why. It was just my instincts," she snips.
"I'm getting a very … inbred vibe."
Ines doesn't discriminate with her sledges. She's an equal opportunity insulter and proceeds to take aim at more minorities.
"I don't know anyone with an eyebrow ring, except for lesbians who work at McDonald's drive-thrus," she snipes.
By the time Bronson accidentally mispronounces Ines' name as "anus" and admits he used to be a stripper, she has checked out.
The whole stripper thing has thrown Ines through a loop. As well as insulting lesbians, McDonald's drive-thru attendants and people with eyebrow rings, she now takes aim at strippers and heroin addicts.
"The fact he was a stripper - that is purely disgusting to me. That's like me saying, yesterday I was a heroin addict and today I'm not," she spits.
"This is pure bottom of the barrel. This is mortifying, it's purely disgusting," she asserts.
Ines is like a sphinx cat - all uptight and unaffectionate. She doesn't trust easily. But the time will come where she feels comfortable and at ease with Bronson.
That time is just not tonight.
Bronson takes her to a romantic setting down by the river and tries to talk about the personal troubles he has faced. Ines uses it as an opportunity to insult more sub-demographics.
Bronson doesn't get upset. He believes in the universe.
And the universe will ensure Ines is taken care of by a vengeful lesbian McDonald's drive-thru attendant.
For more observations on GoGet drivers and people named Taniele, follow me on Twitter and Facebook: @hellojamesweir