Meghan dumps Harry in glorious bust out

 

Travelling with your partner is hard, and on day three of the Sussexes royal visit to South Africa, Meghan finally broke away from the ball and chain and got some alone time.

Overseas holidays in a relationship are hard. The endless questions about how you'll spend every second of every day. Your partner doesn't take the hint that you just wanna walk around David Jones and scroll through Instagram in peace, so you end up going to the movies just so you can sit in a dark room and eat without having to talk.

So three days into their Cape Town visit, Meghan did what any of us would've done.

"Maybe you should go check that landmine field in Angola," she sighed this morning over breakfast, in the same way we'd all suggest to a boyfriend, "maybe you should go check out the hotel golf course".

And so it was settled. Harry packed a bag but on his way to Cape Town airport, the family's Range Rover whirled by Zonnebloem in the west to visit Archbishop Desmond Tutu and his wife. The location of this damn baby has been the talk of the town and people have been demanding an appearance. They should just travel with a wax replica baby and we'd all stop complaining.

"He was a bit shy today but he has passed out now," we overheard Harry laugh yesterday to a group of men at a reception in the backyard of the British High Commissioner's Residence as the sun set over Table Mountain.

Sounds like a coverup. Where's Archie and why are you hiding him, Mountbatten-Windsors? Look, it's probably not as sinister as it seems. Maybe Archie just had a pimple and he was feeling super self-conscious about it.

If they were going to take him anywhere, it was to this morning's intimate meeting with the Tutus. No screaming crowds and zero pesky journalists who would, say, steal food remnants nibbled on by Archie or lick Tutu's teacup.

 

The private visit with Archbishop Desmond Tutu was the perfect time for Archie to make an appearance. picture: Toby Melville/Getty Images
The private visit with Archbishop Desmond Tutu was the perfect time for Archie to make an appearance. picture: Toby Melville/Getty Images

 

Human rights? Yeah, I’ve got some ideas. Picture: Toby Melville/Getty Images
Human rights? Yeah, I’ve got some ideas. Picture: Toby Melville/Getty Images

 

Prince Harry and Meghan said baby Archie is an ‘old soul’. Picture: Toby Melville/Getty Images
Prince Harry and Meghan said baby Archie is an ‘old soul’. Picture: Toby Melville/Getty Images

Archie obviously has high standards with what events he attends. A meeting at the beach on a cold and windy day? No thank you. But a dignified appointment with a Nobel Peace Prize winner? More his scene. He probably only agreed on the condition that the frazzled palace advisor Marnie ensure babyccinos were delivered upon his arrival.

Archie whirled into the Old Granary Building well after the Tutus had arrived and this is obviously a power move. He knows you immediately have the upper hand if you make people wait for you. It's why I haven't been to the office in weeks. That damn baby is as sharp as a tac and those ragtag Middleton cousins could learn a thing or two.

It was a distinguished affair. Archie commended Tutu on his fine work resolving and ending apartheid, but said it was small fries and then presented his own detailed plan to establish world peace.

He skolled the rest of his babyccino and then declared he must leave to ensure he arrived back at the hotel in time to watch Bluey.

 

‘Dad, you said there’d be babyccinos’. Picture: Toby Melville/Getty Images
‘Dad, you said there’d be babyccinos’. Picture: Toby Melville/Getty Images

 

It was around then Harry went off to Botswana to check out the golf course and finally, Meghan was free. In control and ready for business, she pulled on a stylish no-nonsense black jumpsuit and zipped down to the Woodstock Exchange to meet female entrepreneurs working in tech where she asked them to show her how to stop her iMessage notifications from popping up on her iPhone's locked screen. I lie. She didn't treat these women like they were her personal Apple genius bar but that would've been funny.

 

A stylish yet practical outfit that takes you from the genius bar to a stair run. Picture: Paul Edwards/Getty Images
A stylish yet practical outfit that takes you from the genius bar to a stair run. Picture: Paul Edwards/Getty Images

 

That’s the look of a woman that’s finally been able to break free. Picture: Chris Jackson/Getty Images
That’s the look of a woman that’s finally been able to break free. Picture: Chris Jackson/Getty Images

 

Meghan at the Apple Genius Bar. Picture: Chris Jackson/Getty Images
Meghan at the Apple Genius Bar. Picture: Chris Jackson/Getty Images

The weather in the cape has been pleasant like Australia right now but today, it was hot. Sweltering! On a top floor at the Woodstock Exchange, pesky media were made to schlep up five flights of stairs, developing back-sweat patches in the process. Someone had to be blamed.

"Marnie!" was the angry cry that echoed throughout the concrete stairwell.

How great would it be if Marnie made Meghan hike up the stairs too? She probably could have in that jumpsuit, and she would've arrived with a sexy sweaty face glow. But not even Marnie is brave enough to enforce a Duchess stair-run. She's a palace advisor, not an overenthusiastic PT at Fitness First.

The lift pinged open and with an easy stride, Meghan entered the industrial space. All polished concrete floors and glass windows, she looked so phenomenal in that natural light it seemed like a waste she couldn't capture the moment in an Insta story.

 

 

She chatted with the Apple Genius Bar and was in control. It wasn't as relaxing as wandering aimlessly around a David Jones, but she could finally breath and lean into her role. This was her turf.

"Are we going in here?" Meghan asked the girls before initiating a move inside.

What happened behind those doors?

Dunno. Don't blame me. Blame Marnie.

James Weir is in South Africa covering the royal tour. He is a guest of South African Tourism and Cathay Pacific. For more observations about babyccinos and wandering aimlessly around David Jones, follow him on Twitter and Facebook: @hellojamesweir