OPINION: Three gifts for the person you secretly hate
HO, HO, cough, splutter, ah bugger it all. Deck the halls with petrol and spark a bloody match for all I care. Christmas is back and so is our obligation to buy a present for that person we secretly hate.
Coal prices are sky-high, so we need to get creative in the passive aggressive stocking stuffers we bestow upon our loathsome little brother, Greg.
RIGHTO Greg, you horrible little mouth-breather. Think hacking my Facebook account and posting a 38-photo gallery of close-up Peter Helliar nipple shots was a laugh, huh?
Well, smart guy, you just earned yourself a pair of these monstrosities. For about $8 each on eBay, your persistent nincompoopery gets you five pairs of socks designed to look like they are worn beneath sandals.
I know how cold it gets in winter, and I know you love to slide around the house in your cotton toe-sheaths. I also know that I stole your piggy bank, binned all your socks and told mum what you had been looking up on the internet. So good luck getting replacements. And a girlfriend.
GOT some bad news Greg, you rotten egg. Mum and dad are at a loss this year. They hardly know you any more. You spend all your time in your room doing God knows what (so does Santa - he sees everything, Greg) and they cannot fathom what Christmas present to get you.
In I stroll like a knight in shining armour, pledging to handle it for them. Now I know you only have six chin hairs, and it's kind of a sore point for you at school. But I look at the $24 I spent on the GoateeSaver goatee shaving template as an investment.
It is pretty cool, Greg. It clips into your nostrils and lets you get those sleek lines on your non-existent beard.
Sucked in, mate. Can't stand ya.
I HAVE probably been a bit hard on you, Greg. Not really in the holiday spirit. This one will put it right, I swear.
Some clever duck has designed a festive, clogged-toilet scented "Poo-dolph" line of pot pourri, and I scored one for you for about $36 from Amazon. Granted I am now entirely broke but hey, Christmas comes but once a year. PS: You were adopted.