SATIRE: The spin on terms you thought you knew
THE new era of meaning started with "fake news" and spread and we now have a need for translations. Fear not, Weekend is here to help you with words you thought you understood.
SPIN DOCTOR: Liar. Lies to electorate as well as to party - sure, you'll get in - but will take a few million more. Just sign here.
NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS: "Good luck - we didn't test it, you will do that for us".
BICYCLE RACE OR OTHER GLOBAL SPORTING EVENT: A competition between drug companies to develop the most effective ways to mask the presence of drugs.
The results will later be used to allow them to similarly mask negative side effects.
HAY FEVER MEDICATION: Performance enhancing drug. "I was taking it for the sneezing."
It's an off-label use that has no impact on my performance but helps me overcome my affliction with hay fever that comes at this time of year in this part of the world.
DRUG CHEAT: Idiot who let side down by getting caught.
SMARTPHONE: Device for ensuring drivers do not die of boredom but of other causes, mostly road crashes.
FRESH FUNDS FOR X PROJECT IN YOUR ELECTORATE: Because of obstruction by the Opposition (and because the stupid electorate only put us in as minority government and I don't like dealing with the other side of the House), we didn't spend the money we allocated (supposedly) the last time we were here (yes it was three months before the last election) so we rolled it into a new and bigger fund to finish the works in the life of the present government (assuming you make me leader for life).
PARTY LEADER: Doomed politician who foolishly believes she has the party's wholehearted backing but is in fact the sacrificial lamb who will take the rap for the whole party at the next election.
Likely to also lose seat unless there is a visit from the Pope/US President/sports star/A-list celebrity during the campaign. Often parties install a woman as leader at this time, "might as well show we are a party of equal opportunity".
PLASTIC SHOPPING BAG: Future food for turtles, sea birds and fish. Unfortunately it's about as nourishing as fake news is. And just as deadly.
Cigarette butt has same meaning.
RED CARPET EVENT: A public strip club where the world's Most Beautiful People (female only, please) come to show off how much they can spend on how little fabric to cover the millions spent on body modifications and personal trainers while starving their bodies in the pursuit of scientific excellence. But because clothing designers don't employ enough physicists they fail to understand gravity and other forces. See next item.
WARDROBE MALFUNCTION: This now means all parts of the dress stayed in place and no extra flesh was exposed, dammit. It used to mean the opposite, but English is a changing language.
Pollie Tickled is a satirical column.