Schapelle quits SAS after dumb mistake
Schapelle Corby quits Channel 7's SAS Australia on Tuesday night after being brought down by a stupid mistake, which obviously isn't the first time.
Only this mistake is different because we know for certain it's not her fault. It's on camera and everything.
An ex-WAG also craps off - but only after her dark past is dredged up and she's labelled a "con woman". She issues an emotional defence of her misdemeanours and poses a question to the nation: What Australian hasn't told a white lie here or there?
And she's right. As it says in the bible, let he who has never tried to trick their boyfriend with a fake sonogram cast the first stone.
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So why does Schapelle quit? It's not because she can't handle the living conditions. They're all sleeping in potato sacks on cold concrete and using a hole in the ground as a toilet - it's basically the Hilton compared to Kerobokan.
Out of all the celebrities here, Schapelle knows how to cope with this environment as well as relate to fellow inmates. We see her in action, engaging Shane Warne's son in scintillating conversation as they scoop murky liquid into their food tins.
"Do you know what it is Jackson? Tomato soup," she informs him.
"Is that good? I've never had it. I've only had like, 10 different foods before," he grunts.
"Are you, like, on a paleo diet or something?" she innocently asks. If any of you have little kids who are fussy eaters, just pose this question next time they turn their nose up at whatever you've served them.
FYI, Shane Warne's son is not on paleo. "I've just always had the same thing."
"Oh, you don't like to experience new food. Oh this is huge for you then!"
Keep in mind this entire conversation is about tinned soup. Let's go back to shoving people out of helicopters again.
After struggling through a short physical task, controversial ex-WAG Arabella Del Busso is hauled into the interrogation room where the soldiers are doing some googling. They open up a bunch of internet tabs and methodically scroll through each one as they try to untangle the web of lies.
"(She) has apparently used more than 10 aliases in her past. False cancer treatment. Altered photos of herself to appear pregnant. (She's a) con woman," one of the soldiers spits.
Arabella tries her best to get ahead of the story before the soldiers start making false assumptions. And we get it. People read "10 aliases" and "faking cancer" and they just have knee-jerk reactions. It all comes down to context. Like when I ramraided that McDonald's drive-through. Out of context, it's alarming. But with context, I'm the real victim because they were out of Flakes.
"A lot of people think I'm an evil con artist. Don't get me wrong, I have told lies throughout my life but I want people to know I'm not this evil person the media are portraying as," she says as the soldiers make her purge more details.
"My ex-partner was an NRL player. And we separated late last year. But now since then I've faced scrutiny in the media … That I'm a liar. I told my partner that I had a pregnancy scan. And I showed it to him and said it was ours when in fact it wasn't a scan at all. Our relationship was coming to an end and I didn't know how to deal with losing someone."
Unlike my ram-raid anecdote, context does not help Arabella.
"If you're gonna be a liar or a thief, be a thief," the soldiers warn. "Because you can't get to the bottom of a liar."
Or, you could just be neither and then go to university to study accounting or engineering or something. That's probably a better goal.
Arabella is still convinced we just don't understand her side of the story. She stares down the barrel of the camera and issues an emotional plea.
"I have told a lie but, the way I see it, a little white lie here or there is not going to hurt any one. I'm sure we all do it," she says. "I'm not honestly the only person in the whole of Australia that has told a white lie here or there."
Mmmhmmm. Mhmmm. Look, Arebella - if that is one of your 10 real names - your white lie isn't as relatable as you think. Have we told a white lie about being late to work because of traffic when, really, we just decided to stop for coffee? Sure.
Have we used a sonogram to try to trap a boyfriend? We've considered it many times but there's a difference between thinking about doing it and actually doing it.
She quits the show and is officially banned from the Officeworks printing counter.
As she trudges away into the night, she does some honest reflecting. "I've had to make mistakes along the way to be able to realise, 'OK, you know what, you can't do that in life'."
Um, sure. Only in hindsight does faking a sonogram seem wrong.
Soldiers decided on day one that the guy from Underbelly is a twerp and they zone in on him even more at the next day's challenges. He makes half-smart comments and uses the limited drinking water to wash mud off his movie star face.
The soldiers go all Major Payne on him with insults and then punish the rest of the group by making them sprint through the mud.
Schapelle struggles. Mentally, she's bulletproof but her fitness isn't up to everyone else's standard. Jeez, what have you been locked up in a tiny cell for a decad-
"Staff, my time has come. I've had enough. I can't run this for one second longer," she puffs before quitting.
Obviously we're devastated. Schapelle is the only reason we're watching. We blame that guy from Underbelly. He's ruining everything.
He's the reason everyone had to run. And, more importantly, he's the reason why we were forced to watch people running.
No one should have to experience that in prime time.
Originally published as Schapelle quits SAS after dumb mistake