Strange politics: Travelling in style with Bronwyn Bishop

HI GUYS, it's your girl Bron here to lay down some wisdom on how to transform your next business trip from bargain-bin to bling bling.

I have copped a fair measure of flak in recent days over my taste for the finer things in life.

But strike me down if I'm going to spend a week with stuffy old foreign ministers in Europe of all places (yuck) without having a palm frond-waving slave boy on payroll at the hotel to cool me down and feed me fresh grapes of an evening.

Granted, I did seemingly make one mistake, and I'm paying for it now.

Chartering a $5000 helicopter ride to wow the socks off everyone at that Liberal Party fundraiser last year was apparently overkill.

I have agreed to pay back the money, plus a small fine.

Sorry Joe, but MPs' spending doesn't pass sniff test

But to be fair... I had been on an Arnold Schwarzenegger marathon the night before and his words in the 1987 action classic Predator got stuck in my head like a mantra.

"Get in the chopper!"

Whoops.

Joe Hockey says it "fails the sniff test". I think he just has a smelly upper lip from all those cigars.

Anyway, keep reading to learn how you can spruce up an otherwise depressing old business trip.

Step 1: Get a government job.

I really hope to keep mine, especially my top dog seat as Speaker of the House.

I can't go back to slumming it at Holiday Inns, and surely I have earned the right to opulent travel after sitting through so many of Tony Abbott's cabinet room "jokes".

I refuse to pull your finger, Tony. It is getting old.

Step 2: Live like royalty.

Frugality should not even be considered if you are forced on some dreadful tour of backwater "countries" like Italy, Belgium, Austria and Switzerland.

I like to have decorators apply custom themes to my penthouse suites to fit my current mood.

Most recently it was an ancient Egypt, Cleopatra-type affair with a heavily-sedated tiger chained to the Dom Perignon fridge.

Next month I hope to fit out the Ritz's presidential suite with a bona fide whale skeleton so I can dance around in its guts and pretend I'm the biblical Jonah.

Step 3: Block out the haters.

The proletariat will always have a gripe when you're "wasting" the "tax money" they "worked so hard" to pay for.

Do not listen to them. Recent studies show 90% of them have never even been in a helicopter.

Hard to take seriously.

Now I know Peter Slipper, who formerly had my Speaker's job, was sacked over $900 in taxi fares not too long ago, but this is an entirely different kettle of fish.

I'll be fine... surely.

-APN NEWSDESK

* This is a satire column.